


And After

by calypso_jukebox



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 14:12:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16745518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calypso_jukebox/pseuds/calypso_jukebox
Summary: Castiel has redefined his life into two parts. There was a Before, and there was an After.





	And After

Castiel has redefined his life into two parts. There was a Before, and there was an After. 

**Before:**

An Angel; a powerful and undefeatable warrior. He fought wars the likes of which humans could never imagine, never comprehend. He was respected among his brethren and admired by comrades. 

A Leader; he knew his role within Heaven as resolutely as his love to his Father. And he followed orders because it was his purpose. There was no questioning. The Word was Absolute. His existence was key to keep Heaven in Order and Hell in chaos. 

But then. 

Then came After. 

He was charged to rescue one soul from Hell. 

And **After:**

Castiel saw the world with new human eyes. He may have been contained within a human vessel, but his mind was bursting with overwhelming senses, ideas and. Emotion. Jimmy Novak was a righteous man, a human man. He changed the lens for Castiel to see.

He learned about plots, corruption - 

that things weren’t so dichotomous: black and white and grey, dark and light and shade, moon and sun and earth. 

-Earth, awashed with blue and green and dirt and blood and steel and bones. 

That humans could feel so fiercely. They could bleed, cry, laugh, shout and fuck in equal measure. Emotions. (Sotangledtogether. Sometimes muted. But usually LOUD. Too much, too little. Confusing? Enlightening.)

They could hate. Castiel never hated before. He knew demons were sin and he attacked - but he didn’t know that hatred could mean cruelty and emptiness. Humans and animals alike, left to starve, to die, to suffer. Oh Father, the suffering. The souls that cried for help, that were silent in trauma.

(Sometimes, very quietly he thinks, they don’t deserve to be saved.)

Yet hate also brought  
\- Love. 

Not the same Love God created in Angels to endear loyalty, followers. 

Love in...kindness: a touch, a smile, a laugh, a heart skip, another chance...

A sacrifice, or more. A leap of faith, no less.

An emotion Castiel doesn’t know how to explain...but he feels it. Like the breath in his lungs, the beat of his heart. Instinctual. Automatic. Life.

Before felt like a vast dreamless sleep: no control, no decisions, no emotions. Just a Hammer, a tool for Heaven to use as they willed.

After is…

Curiosity.  
Suspicion.  
Connection.  
Betrayal.  
Loyalty.  
Success.  
Failure.  
Pain.  
Pleasure. 

**Dean.**

The rescued soul from Hell:

His tenacity, his strength, his sacrifice. He’s a lethal weapon, a gentle tool. He’s a brother and a friend and a lover. He’s human in all the wrong ways, and destiny in all the right ways. Divine, reborn in dirt.

And Castiel loves him. 

When his human life becomes too overwhelming it goes like this:

Castiel sits quietly on the bed wearing a pair of loose pants and a t-shirt that smells of aftershave. He hears others in the Bunker - Hunters preparing and returning, laughing and swearing. A book he was idly reading rests by his side and he can’t focus on the scene at the moment. 

But then, 

“Hey Cas,” a familiar voice breaks the mood, “You’ve been cooped up here for awhile. Do you want something to eat?”

Castiel looks at Dean, at his friendly smile, the concern in his eyes.

“I’d like that.” Castiel says, voice gruff from little use. Before he has a chance to push up and follow Dean out the room there are lips resting on his head, a soft kiss.

“It’s okay to be in your head sometimes, but don’t stay up there too long okay?” Dean murmurs against his skin, pulling away. “I prefer it when you’re here. With me.” 

Dean smiles, shy. 

Castiel brings up his hand and traces Dean’s lips, counts the freckles on his cheeks, “I will always return to you.”

And then he pulls Dean down into a proper kiss. And another. And a longer one. 

Food forgotten, fade to black. 

\--

Castiel defines his life into two parts. Before Dean.

And forevermore, With Dean.


End file.
